simply all yours.

in and out we try, but for what? give yourself a name and i’ll tell you it’s worthwhile.
you can tell me you’re chasing something, just make sure it’s worthy, you don’t want a river of blood on your hands.

this life now

we have gone too far to go back now, brace yourself, this is something you have never seen before. Follow me, lets hold hands like young lovers, beheld by the beauty of the smallest things. Give me a white wall and i’ll fill every space, i’ll write till the pens run dry. This is how it was meant to be, uncharted love, limitless life.

i wish for every sunrise, with every glimpse of beauty in between. Spend time with me, our time will remind us never to forget how to love. My days of pretending collide ever-so-quickly with the ground; they let out a crash. This is the sound of life. we are who we pretend to be, until we stop pretending.

elephants P.2

I started off with saying how i recently made some progress with thammasat, sending the email last night to angela who would then process my application. i moved onto talking about how Thailand is usually always on my mind and the thousands of thoughts associated with it.
Thailand and me is crazy. I know that God wants me to do stuff there, but what exactly? and more importantly for how long? Four years ago i knew that i was to do something there. the fine details never really bothered me though, not until now. I loved the idea of being with the thai people, helping them out. I just assumed that that was what my future was going to be all about. Now the more i think about it, the more i wonder how much of my future and how much of my life it will be?
Alot of that can and possibly will hinge on the fact of whether or not I marry a thai. i always thought that there was a good chance of that happening, but, the more i go there and the more i understand about thai culture the more i realise how different it is to what i know, australian culture.
Also, the more i understand about thai culture, the more i realise how australian i am. i always thought i was a cultured guy, and that asian culture was something i could understand and handle quite well. But really, i grew up in a white neighbourhood and have very white parents, who think white, who taught me white and who disciplined me white. Not in a racist way, but in a cultured way. So sure i can appreciate thai culture and try to understand it, but in terms of my human experience and the way i live life and relate, its very different to that of thai’s.
see, the more i think about it the more i realise how i have kinda romanticised the idea of me living in thailand, uno thinking it will be all rosy, that ill be able to slip right in and not have a problem. I guess now im just being more real with myself. Sal said when she was there she would often cry at night because she felt so isolated. when i was younger i never thought that would happen. now im letting myself know that that could easily happen.
so plenty on my mind. I do pray often though that God would reveal what He wants while im over there studying. And i do believe that He will do that. And if he does want me there, for my whole life, then so be it. Heck it might be terribly uncomfortable and difficult, but i would rather live my life for the Love of Christ and His cause than for me and my pety aspirations. His joy in me and what i do becomes my joy. He knows whats best, and thats whats so beautiful.

elephants P.1

sitting with my boys this morning at macdonalds, talking about life and everything that it entails. Forcefully waking up from three hours sleep, i stumbled into my car and drove about 20 kilometres to keysborough where the other fellas were waiting for me. i was late once again. Driving to keysborough that early in the morning reminded me of the hundreds of runs to school, as well as going to my old testament class at bible college last year.
Greeting my fellow brothers who had already finished all their food, i went to order food for myself and sat down with a sigh, thinking how on earth i manage to fall asleep at 4am. Jordan was directly opposite me, as bright as he usually is in the morning, playing with all our wallets, curiously looking through mine as i slammed it down on the table. Christian was beside Jordan and looked abit out of it, staring into space, turning around to the door everytime he heard it open. Then there was ben, who was sitting beside me. His feet were resident on my chair, which he kindly moved for me when i went to sit down.
We all spoke about stuff that was going on, uno just talking through life issues, stuff that was getting us down, relationships, God issues, everything.

frail

those stairs will never be the death of me.

for-gone

its hard when you want something you cant get, when its too far from your reach, your sphere, your world, your life. Its a painful battle you have with yourself, whether to give it all up, or to continue wanting something you cant have. Its worse when its all you think about, when you think its so much of you, so much of who you are. it seems you can never be content, never happy.
you conclude. the only reason you cant have it is you. you are the problem. if only you could change you, everything would be different.
So you get stuck in an absolute cycle of sick sick change, for pety pety things, which somehow get you closer to what you cant have. False hope strings you along, you follow the crowd with no path of your own, changing for status quo, changing for him and her.
You have lost yourself and there is nothing you can do about it.
You sold yourself to a hopeless fantasy, and now you sit lonely and cold, wishing for nothing.
This is your personal disaffection.

1:31

its 1:31am and i cant sleep. i dont think i have ever written a blog when i havent been ‘able to sleep’ before. Even though i’m in much need of sleep i cant, im a terrible thinker. Before when i was thinking, lying in my bed, i realised that i didnt see my dad today, or yesterday if you want to be annoying. thats a pity i thought. apparently the relationship that you have with your father is really important. im sure it is, but i cant seem to put my finger on its importance for me.
Maybe its because i havent thought about it enough. My dad and i have had a pretty ordinary relationship. There are no scar worthy memories that i have of him, nothing outlandish or extreme. Our relationship is pretty boring. i dont really know him and i dont think he really knows me. Not like a stranger not knowing another stranger. its not like that. we have known each other all our lives right? you’d think that after nineteen years there’d be a strong relationship.
im confused about what a real father should be like. my dad is a great guy, and i respect him alot; but we arent close. i feel that a father should be, that i should be close to my dad.
i do hope that it gets better. time is on our side so i think we’ll end up okay.

i ever want

starting university this year meant for that i would use trains to get to and from the campus. Its approximately a thirty-five minute train ride from my station to the station that i get off for Uni. Ive fallen in love with this time. i always thought that i would do my readings for uni or prepare for the lecture i was about to go to, but that never happened. its hard to explain what happens in this time.
recently ive tried to give God opportunity to talk to me, to tell me things. this makes my train time more precious, i guess… maybe more valuable. im not just thinking about anything but things important. im not saying particularly that God talks to me on the trains, thats not really it at all. but more i think about God and all his mystery, and our human experience, our life of a thing.
given token to my post on my other blog, for what its worth, i want to die with living for something, i want to actually be something good, something i wont regret. I want to smile at the life i led, the trail of fairy dust that ill leave behind when i die.
this is me.